I have a whole fucking lot to express in this space but I don't even know how to put these feelings into words. I feel so limited and inadequate in my vocabulary because this conflicting pent up emotion is smothering me and I do not know how to even let it out. I am a whole fucking mess and I don't even tell this to the people close to me because nobody will understand. I am the complication, how do you deal with that? I don't want to be spiralling down to my old ways, I'm just seeking for a balance. I don't need to feel extravagantly happy all the time. I just need a consistent emotion. When was the last time I went on like this in my blog? I usually pen my words down with careful thought. It intrigues me the way I react when my mind runs too quickly and wildly I can't even catch what I'm saying or thinking and I try to write but I can't pen these fucking thoughts down. For a moment there, I think I've snapped. For a moment there I think I've lost it. And then all of a sudden I think I know how to handle this and come up with a solution which is often rash and dubious. Thoughts and conclusions made after 12 are often questionable. I thank God I never do what I tell myself to do at 2am in the morning, when I can't go to sleep. Things such as grabbing my phone in the middle of the night and calling just to tell them what's been on my suppressed mind for so long or running out of the house to knock at the door of somebody I miss. Things that I'll probably regret doing when I wake up in the morning. My perpetual concerns bug me all through the night.
I'm going to turn in now, this has been a colossal waste of time. My plans for tomorrow would be to aid a friend in an entire exploitatary essay (oh yes how I love writing to ease myself of things) and to embark on a new novel which I've just purchased. Goodnight.
